Friday, October 26, 2012

The Grumblers Group

Join the long and troubling tradition of grumbling. We invite you to wallow in worry. Proclaim every little irritation and mental discomfort. Holler as loud as you can, to drown out other grumblers and to draw attention to yourself. After all, you are you, the most important you on the planet. The you of you is more important than the billions of other yous, because you are the only you you. There’s only one you you, whereas there are seven billion other yous. The rarity of you you makes your you all the more precious. If only other yous would stop and realize there’s only one you! Then maybe the other yous would give you the attention you need!

If you’re not sure what to grumble about, here are some suggestions:

Somebody makes an arrogant, or snide remark, which wounds your vanity.
You are required to undertake a break in your routine.
You have pain. 
This category has a subcategory for neck, lower back, migraine, ear ache, stomach ache, intestinal cramps, nausea, dizziness, fallen arches, pinched toes, carpal tunnels, tennis elbow, bloodshot, dry or burning eyes, a runny nose, tooth ache, sore throat.
Somebody doesn’t love you anymore.
You feel insecure, worried, anxious, panic-stricken.
You’re concerned about how the misfortune of a loved-one is affecting you. 
This has a subcategory. Your closest friend or loved-one screwed up, got sick, took drugs, abuses alcohol or had an accident. You’re concerned about how the distress of those around you is affecting your sleep and equilibrium.
You’re going through a major life change.
You could complain about being lonely, bored, depressed, sad or feeling useless and not knowing what to do or how to spend your money.

Some worries are heavy-duty: loss of work, loss of a loved one, natural disaster, warfare, poverty, disease. People suffering from such affliction would be best to seek professional help or seek special groups for those undergoing or who underwent trauma. Grumblers anonymous is for people, preferably without children, who are in reasonably good health, have a fairly stable, secure routine and a healthy income with annual paid vacation. The point is to have as little distraction from oneself as possible.

Whatever happens, treat it as if it were an emergency, which everyone needs to know about. Insist that people stop, look at you and listen to your every word.
Repeat your self-centred concern over and over again. To make it dramatic, alter the pitch of your voice, squish your face into a scowl, start crying or screaming, or storm out of the room and slam the door behind you.

Remember, other people suffer, but you only feel your own suffering. You don’t feel their suffering. That’s what makes your suffering the worst. 

When you’re done complaining, wrap it up with a rap about your wisdom, about your life path or journey and about how much you’ve learned and how you’re concerned about sharing your insights and helping the world. Remember, it’s all about you. To hell with everyone else! That’s the philosophy behind The Grumblers Group.

And don’t be ashamed of the fact that you require a lot of attention. Some people don’t need it as much as you. Don’t be afraid to proclaim your every little irritation or discomfort. Don’t stop until all your friends have given you common sense advice, which for esoteric reasons only you can understand, you can’t follow. That underlines the tragedy of your discomfort, how you’re a victim of your noble intent to heal or save the world in order to make yourself feel like a good person.

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